Friday, December 21, 2007

miscellaneous etcetera inaugural post

passage from december 17: Shopping at this time of year takes a certain kind of...attitude in order for it to not push you over the edge. Positivity and determination are absolutely necessary for survival: everything is in close quarters, keep your elbows in, look straight ahead. If you desire to move quickly through an isle or heavily populated area, just smile, (not as in show your fangs) make your body as narrow as possible and just push through, preferably not running over any feet or small children along the way. If you are the meandering type, all I can say is, "Keep to the right!"; lest you get trampled by those on a mission.

Alright, once you have spotted the illustrious item you covet (you and everyone else), behind the barbie dolls and in front of the men's cologne; do not gawk in amazement that you have found it, do not make a mad dash for the item. They will see you, they will sense you, the tactic is to remain calm, nonchalant. Walk deliberately toward the item and without looking directly at it, scoop it into your cart as if it was a box of expired Fruit Loops. At this point, you are almost to home plate- do not blow it- dash (as nonchalantly as possible) to the nearest register (even if you have more shopping to do - cause it ain't over till it's over) check out and return home as quickly as possible!

YES! SANTA RULES! (for hiding the item for only me to find!)

Okay, you haven't accomplished what you set out to do today, only one (highly coveted) item acquired, and it took you most of the day, and you spent waayy too much money on it; but do not dismay - you have not just survived, you have triumphed! Immediately, call all of your friends and brag (as nonchalantly as possible) about the fact that you, yes you, have the item that no one else you know has been able to procure! Then sit back have a latte, chai tea, espresso; whatever relaxes you, elevate those tired dogs, maybe put some cucumber slices on your eyes (or carrots if that's all you have, but not pickles - they burn!) and unwind with quiet satisfaction until your seven year old comes into the room and says excitedly, "Mommy, look what I found in the back seat of your car! If this is what you got me before Christmas, I can't wait to see what Santa gets me!"

Oh well, you still have, 8 shopping days until Christmas, $27.53 left in your budget, and with the good Lord willing and the Creeks don't rise; you have next year!